If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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