first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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