Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
