John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
