The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Green mimosas i think yes
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
