And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
