I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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