Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
