I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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