Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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