Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
