I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Of course I have a pirate flag
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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