Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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