I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
