Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Randomize
