Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
