Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
