the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
What drink are we having for lunch?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
