Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
