I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
