he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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