Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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