Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
