I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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