I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Fuck appropriateness.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
