I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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