i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
