Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
