Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
this is an emotional support booty call
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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