I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
