I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
