I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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