Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
