Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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