I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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