Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
