At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
