i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
