Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
