she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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