I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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