if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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