you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
