You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
