If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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