Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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