...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When are your genitals available?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
