If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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