My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
