don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize