you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
