I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
