I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
