so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
