im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
