I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
