I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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