Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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