If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
