somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize